Last night, my mind decided to trap me into one very long, unforgiving nightmare. I woke up several times and still managed to fall right back into it. Lately I have been on an emotional roller coaster, sadness at the turn, anger at the twist and full on rage at the backwards loop. I'm still waiting for it to end. But it seems to me that perhaps my mind decided to bring the root of my issues to the forefront. So what is my issue? What it has always been, my ex.
Not many people know what the reasons were for our separation, most preferred to ask others who also didn't know anything and speculate and/or listen to rumors. So much easier than just asking me right? But anyway, there was no one singular reason... There were a hundred reasons compiled over time. Lies, betrayals and a lot of just not being there in the ways he should have been. But of course there WAS the icing on the cake, and then a pound of cherries on top that just made that shit cave in on itself.
There was a lot that I was dealing with, and still am dealing with on my own. No one really knows what was and still is going on inside of me today. I'm broken, shattered, filled with jagged pieces that cut into me every now and then. My father in law likes to suggest that I keep my "thoughts" about our relationship to myself.. You know? "it's not Facebook material" ... He'd suggest that I actually talk to my ex about our issues. Talk to the one person who has "no regrets" and never gave a shit about my feelings? Sure thing buddy.
One thing that came to light in my dream was my feelings towards our mutual friends, friends that at the time... Were my best friends. I was hurt that they chose to spend all their time with him and basically excluded me from everything. Was it that they felt sorry for him because I ended the relationship?? I don't know, but it hurt me. I was the one who needed a shoulder, an ear, a friend, he just needed someone to go boozing at the strip club with.
I found it funny when he would say things like "yeah well you could have had this" and "your the one that left" like he's some kind of fucking prize. Delusional I think. I sometimes think it is my lack of understanding about the things he did and his feelings towards them that keep me here on this fucked up roller coaster. or perhaps that the only real closure I got was when I asked him if he thought I would stay with him no matter what he did wrong or how much he hurt me, and he said yes, he thought I would stay no matter what. I can't even begin to tell you how that made me feel. Delusional...
Keeping all these feelings and thoughts bottled up inside has created a bit of a monster. It's affecting everything in my life. I'm extremely emotional, angry most of the time, sad the rest of the time. Still I put a half smile on my face. But little things will trigger these negative emotions and I completely shut down. I don't know how to get past it, I mean really get past all of it and just BE. I told myself that I wouldn't let it affect me anymore, but there it is, that little fucking monster whispering in my ear, that I'm just not worth it.
I'm really not sure how or when i'll ever start feeling "ok". Most days I feel like, I should just be alone so I never have to feel...anything. no anger, no resentment, no jealousy, no sadness, no worry. I could just go on pretending that I'm still me.
